As Franklin kept growing up, I kept thinking that people who don't acknowledge that their child is high need either have a lot, a lot of family support, or they just don't have a high need baby.
Tough times continued, with more and more bright spots
Around the time Franklin turned 11 months old, I had pretty much reached the end of my rope. My weight had plummeted to less than 100 lbs, I would get angry easily, and depressed even more easily. I remember one day when Franklin had taken two miserable 30 minute naps and was bouncing off the walls. I was exhausted. My husband put Mr Rogers on hoping Franklin might sit down and watch a little TV, and next thing you know, I was crying. I can't even remember was Fred Rogers was saying, but I know it was something pretty moving. So, here I was, crying at the dinner table.
Since Franklin needed to get enough sleep but would not sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, I would sit in the dark next to him and wait for him to wake so I could get him back to sleep (this technique is described in the No Cry Sleep Solutions by Elizabeth Pantley, and is designed to get babies to sleep longer). After a while, sometimes, Franklin would bless us (rarely) with a 2 hour nap where only one intervention was necessary. This showed me that he knew how to sleep longer, but did not do so all the time. It also showed me he was changing, maturing sleep wise, and that things would get better.
But, since he did not sleep for much longer stretches at night, my bedtime was also 7 pm, next to him, for a long time. If you're thinking I taught him to expect this, don't. I never thought I'd need to do this with my baby. The first few months, I expected him to nap alone and sleep alone the first part of the night. I was open to co-sleeping, but not from 7 pm to 6 am! I had to do this for his benefit. It was either that or no sleep. Moxie once said that a child's sleeping habits has little to do with parenting skills, and parents can stop feeling smug or guilty right this minute. I agree. Frank started out in his crib right away. The crib was next to the bed, sure, but he wasn't in bed. We finally started co-sleeping just so that we would keep what little sanity we had left intact.
I mentioned that he finally started falling asleep at the breast... but when his teeth started coming in, he would often bite the nipple -- and it really hurt. He would also do it when I was trying to get him to nap but he wanted to play instead. Blissful breastfeding? Gone. I would feed him with a finger by the nipple so I could unlatch him in a microsecond. In retrospect, I know this period was so hard because he was changing so fast, and I was exhausted from an entire year or waking up 4-5 times a night. Things often get easier, you just might not realize it because you're so drained and sleep deprived. But one thing that might help is keeping a journal of how things are, and then go back. It's amazing what 2 months can do.
The biting did not last. He occasionally bit me when I would try to force him to nap and he did not want to sleep nor did he want to eat. But, things got better within a month or so. If your little one is biting you, unlatch him as soon as you feel a tooth. I would also say "teeth are not for biting people, this hurts!".
The skies cleared as the months passed
There were good changes too, and they came hand in hand with the bad ones.
For one, he would often fall asleep with his dad walking him. He was no longer 100% dependent on the breast. Also, he started unlatching at the end of a feeding, and would then roll over and... fall asleep. No motion needed, no boob needed. I actually noticed that sometimes during the night, the boob would distract him and after unlatching him, he'd roll over and fall asleep. This gave me the first indication that soon enough, he would be able to fall asleep on his own.
Another big change happened when Franklin started crawling like a champion and took his first steps at 10 months. He suddenly became a lot happier with life now that he was not dependent on me to do everything for him. One Amazon reviewer of Parenting Your Fussy Baby and High Need Child by Dr Sears mentioned that high need children are like 2 year olds in the body of an infant. They are completely frustrated. I totally agree with this, Franklin was an immensely frustrated infant because he could not take off and go right away. But when he became mobile, I suddenly didn't have to carry him around constantly, and he got to exercise. This led to easier naps (coupled with a strict schedule), and a not so exhausted mommy.
Since I was no longer so exhausted, I was not always ready to go to bed by 7 pm (his usual bedtime). And so... I would nurse him to sleep, or his daddy would walk him to sleep, and I would then go to the living room and watch Desperate Housewives, or blog, or snuggle with my husband! I never, ever thought it would happen within the first year. Yes, it took nearly a year to get there, but it did happen. And when he would wake, my husband could walk him for a few seconds and he would be out again (not 100% of the time, but still, it was a big improvement).
It was like a miracle! Doing this led Franklin to lengthen his sleep cycles, I think. Sometimes, he'd be out for an entire hour and I would then go to bed not because he would wake, but simply because I was tired. I am here to tell you: it gets better. Soon, you will not have to go to bed with your little one out of sheer exhaustion and because you know your little one will be awake in 20 minutes anyway.
What would I do differently?
I was unable to move for a few weeks after Franklin's birth, but if labor goes better next time, I will carry my baby in a sling nearly all the time. I did not do that with Franklin, because I was really messed up at first, and he would nearly always throw up when I would put him in the Moby wrap. Next time, I'll buy an infant insert for the Ergo and go with that, or experiment with another carrier. I think that all the hours I spent rocking Frank to sleep could have been spent just carrying him around the house doing various things.
Also, I will not worry too much about sleep anymore. This is just a result of experience though, it's not something I could have done differently with Frank. Basically, babies and toddlers need an early bed time. By 7 pm, they should be out. They need naps. Babies need to sleep every hour or so in the first few months, before settling into a mid-morning nap + early afternoon nap routine. That's it. Easy.
I will try to not create a suck to sleep association. Franklin found it very difficult to fall back to sleep between cycles because he felt he needed the breast. I will breastfeed to a drowsy state, and then try and get the baby to fall asleep on his own. I realize that this may be impossible with some babies. It is not something I could have done with Franklin without causing tears as he was such a high strung infant.
I might introduce a lovey so that instead of reaching for me, the child reaches for the lovey instead and falls asleep easily when comfort, rather than milk, is needed. It would be lovely if I could always be there to soothe the child to sleep until he's ready, but with a toddler and probably a husband in graduate school, I know it won't be possible the 2nd time around.
And finally, I would teach my child baby sign language. Being able to communicate is such an important part of staying calm. If I couldn't communicate, I'd go nuts. Why wouldn't infants feel the same?
What would I keep the same?
I will keep carrying the baby as much as possible, and I will give my baby all the love in the world. I will not breastfeed on a schedule, or let him cry to sleep.
Honestly, I don't know of a single person with small children (2-3 or under) who sleeps through the night, every night, without a problem. I know people who co-sleep and practice attachment parenting, and people who let their kids CIO. And guess what, none of their kids sleep through the night, regardless of parenting practices.
I will keep a strict schedule going, as children seem to thrive on predictability and routines. Nap time is and will be sacred, bedtime will be early, and there will be routines before each to get the child prepared for sleep.
I would stay compassionate and wonder if I'm expecting things of my baby I'm not expecting of myself. For example, why would a baby fall asleep within minutes of being put down? Do we fall asleep as fast? And, why should infants sleep through the night, night after night? Don't they have a right to have problems during the night? Sometimes, I wake up super thirsty. No, I don't need nutrition, but I do need a drink! One time, I woke up because I dreamed I was choking. It took me a little while to settle down and fall asleep again. If I had been sleeping by my husband, I probably would have stolen a hug from him. and what about naps? Even if I'm dead tired, I won't nap, and if people suggest I do, I all but yell at them.You get the idea.
Recommended Readings
- Does it every get better? -- by Moxie
Oh I cannot tell you how many times I read this post and its priceless comments during dark times. Here's a little part of it, do read it if you are struggling with your infant, if you're wondering where the heck your life went, and if it will ever get better. Don't forget the comments!
Aaah, Mothering. How I love your forum full of co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding moms who are totally sleep deprived yet will not let their kids cry it out. I found this thread in one of my many quests for answers, and the replies gave me hope many times over.
As I read this book, I would often read passages out loud to my husband (who read it too). It's amazing how a little validation can go a long way. When you're the mother of a high need baby, you need to hear from people who have been there.
One year later
Oh how things changed. I promise you, when you're too tired to open your eyes, and wonder what that smell is and realize it's you because you haven't bathed in days (not that it happened to me... riiiight), when you don't think you can make it through another day, let alone a week or even *gasp* a year, I promise you, it gets better. Franklin can now play by himself for a while, and I can sit by him and read. It feels so good to do something that has nothing to do with babies and diapers and spit up and sleep issues.
Latching on was no longer a problem, and the number of wet diapers and dirty diapers did not matter anymore. So many things which were a problem due to my inexperience were non issues after a while.
And, sweet things happen. Your baby will stand up and walk, which means he will walk towards you and give you a great big hug. He will sit on the toilet to poop, and suddenly notice the shower curtain -- and he will pull it in front of his face, and play peek-a-boo with you. Or, he will rub his forehead on your forehead and laugh. And, is your little newborn clawing you raw and punching your boobs while he breastfeeds? This will be replaced with a gentle, impossibly soft little hand petting your breasts and twirling your hair between adorable tiny fingers. Oooh... It does get better. So, so much better. I promise you! I'm loving having a toddler, and the amount of joy he has brought me cannot even be described. Stay strong, high need infants usually mean smart, passionate toddlers who laugh louder than others, and love harder too.
Tough times continued, with more and more bright spots
Around the time Franklin turned 11 months old, I had pretty much reached the end of my rope. My weight had plummeted to less than 100 lbs, I would get angry easily, and depressed even more easily. I remember one day when Franklin had taken two miserable 30 minute naps and was bouncing off the walls. I was exhausted. My husband put Mr Rogers on hoping Franklin might sit down and watch a little TV, and next thing you know, I was crying. I can't even remember was Fred Rogers was saying, but I know it was something pretty moving. So, here I was, crying at the dinner table.
Since Franklin needed to get enough sleep but would not sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, I would sit in the dark next to him and wait for him to wake so I could get him back to sleep (this technique is described in the No Cry Sleep Solutions by Elizabeth Pantley, and is designed to get babies to sleep longer). After a while, sometimes, Franklin would bless us (rarely) with a 2 hour nap where only one intervention was necessary. This showed me that he knew how to sleep longer, but did not do so all the time. It also showed me he was changing, maturing sleep wise, and that things would get better.
But, since he did not sleep for much longer stretches at night, my bedtime was also 7 pm, next to him, for a long time. If you're thinking I taught him to expect this, don't. I never thought I'd need to do this with my baby. The first few months, I expected him to nap alone and sleep alone the first part of the night. I was open to co-sleeping, but not from 7 pm to 6 am! I had to do this for his benefit. It was either that or no sleep. Moxie once said that a child's sleeping habits has little to do with parenting skills, and parents can stop feeling smug or guilty right this minute. I agree. Frank started out in his crib right away. The crib was next to the bed, sure, but he wasn't in bed. We finally started co-sleeping just so that we would keep what little sanity we had left intact.
I mentioned that he finally started falling asleep at the breast... but when his teeth started coming in, he would often bite the nipple -- and it really hurt. He would also do it when I was trying to get him to nap but he wanted to play instead. Blissful breastfeding? Gone. I would feed him with a finger by the nipple so I could unlatch him in a microsecond. In retrospect, I know this period was so hard because he was changing so fast, and I was exhausted from an entire year or waking up 4-5 times a night. Things often get easier, you just might not realize it because you're so drained and sleep deprived. But one thing that might help is keeping a journal of how things are, and then go back. It's amazing what 2 months can do.
The biting did not last. He occasionally bit me when I would try to force him to nap and he did not want to sleep nor did he want to eat. But, things got better within a month or so. If your little one is biting you, unlatch him as soon as you feel a tooth. I would also say "teeth are not for biting people, this hurts!".
The skies cleared as the months passed
There were good changes too, and they came hand in hand with the bad ones.
For one, he would often fall asleep with his dad walking him. He was no longer 100% dependent on the breast. Also, he started unlatching at the end of a feeding, and would then roll over and... fall asleep. No motion needed, no boob needed. I actually noticed that sometimes during the night, the boob would distract him and after unlatching him, he'd roll over and fall asleep. This gave me the first indication that soon enough, he would be able to fall asleep on his own.Another big change happened when Franklin started crawling like a champion and took his first steps at 10 months. He suddenly became a lot happier with life now that he was not dependent on me to do everything for him. One Amazon reviewer of Parenting Your Fussy Baby and High Need Child by Dr Sears mentioned that high need children are like 2 year olds in the body of an infant. They are completely frustrated. I totally agree with this, Franklin was an immensely frustrated infant because he could not take off and go right away. But when he became mobile, I suddenly didn't have to carry him around constantly, and he got to exercise. This led to easier naps (coupled with a strict schedule), and a not so exhausted mommy.
Since I was no longer so exhausted, I was not always ready to go to bed by 7 pm (his usual bedtime). And so... I would nurse him to sleep, or his daddy would walk him to sleep, and I would then go to the living room and watch Desperate Housewives, or blog, or snuggle with my husband! I never, ever thought it would happen within the first year. Yes, it took nearly a year to get there, but it did happen. And when he would wake, my husband could walk him for a few seconds and he would be out again (not 100% of the time, but still, it was a big improvement).
It was like a miracle! Doing this led Franklin to lengthen his sleep cycles, I think. Sometimes, he'd be out for an entire hour and I would then go to bed not because he would wake, but simply because I was tired. I am here to tell you: it gets better. Soon, you will not have to go to bed with your little one out of sheer exhaustion and because you know your little one will be awake in 20 minutes anyway.
What would I do differently?
I was unable to move for a few weeks after Franklin's birth, but if labor goes better next time, I will carry my baby in a sling nearly all the time. I did not do that with Franklin, because I was really messed up at first, and he would nearly always throw up when I would put him in the Moby wrap. Next time, I'll buy an infant insert for the Ergo and go with that, or experiment with another carrier. I think that all the hours I spent rocking Frank to sleep could have been spent just carrying him around the house doing various things.
Also, I will not worry too much about sleep anymore. This is just a result of experience though, it's not something I could have done differently with Frank. Basically, babies and toddlers need an early bed time. By 7 pm, they should be out. They need naps. Babies need to sleep every hour or so in the first few months, before settling into a mid-morning nap + early afternoon nap routine. That's it. Easy.
I will try to not create a suck to sleep association. Franklin found it very difficult to fall back to sleep between cycles because he felt he needed the breast. I will breastfeed to a drowsy state, and then try and get the baby to fall asleep on his own. I realize that this may be impossible with some babies. It is not something I could have done with Franklin without causing tears as he was such a high strung infant.
I might introduce a lovey so that instead of reaching for me, the child reaches for the lovey instead and falls asleep easily when comfort, rather than milk, is needed. It would be lovely if I could always be there to soothe the child to sleep until he's ready, but with a toddler and probably a husband in graduate school, I know it won't be possible the 2nd time around.
And finally, I would teach my child baby sign language. Being able to communicate is such an important part of staying calm. If I couldn't communicate, I'd go nuts. Why wouldn't infants feel the same?
What would I keep the same?
I will keep carrying the baby as much as possible, and I will give my baby all the love in the world. I will not breastfeed on a schedule, or let him cry to sleep.
Honestly, I don't know of a single person with small children (2-3 or under) who sleeps through the night, every night, without a problem. I know people who co-sleep and practice attachment parenting, and people who let their kids CIO. And guess what, none of their kids sleep through the night, regardless of parenting practices.
I will keep a strict schedule going, as children seem to thrive on predictability and routines. Nap time is and will be sacred, bedtime will be early, and there will be routines before each to get the child prepared for sleep.I would stay compassionate and wonder if I'm expecting things of my baby I'm not expecting of myself. For example, why would a baby fall asleep within minutes of being put down? Do we fall asleep as fast? And, why should infants sleep through the night, night after night? Don't they have a right to have problems during the night? Sometimes, I wake up super thirsty. No, I don't need nutrition, but I do need a drink! One time, I woke up because I dreamed I was choking. It took me a little while to settle down and fall asleep again. If I had been sleeping by my husband, I probably would have stolen a hug from him. and what about naps? Even if I'm dead tired, I won't nap, and if people suggest I do, I all but yell at them.You get the idea.
Recommended Readings
- Does it every get better? -- by Moxie
Oh I cannot tell you how many times I read this post and its priceless comments during dark times. Here's a little part of it, do read it if you are struggling with your infant, if you're wondering where the heck your life went, and if it will ever get better. Don't forget the comments!
"I think people who enjoy having babies are nuts. Like seriously insane. I hated it both times, and didn't even realize how much I hated it, because I loved my kids and thought it was just parenting and therefore what I'd signed up for.- 13 months old still not sleeping through the night! -- a Mothering thread.
But now that they're 8.5 and 5.5? Whoa. It's a whole different experience. I'm actually making decisions and having discussions and working on things with them that are interesting and that make an immediate impact, and sometimes hurt my head in a good way. And they sleep all night and deal with their own poop, and tell me if they're hurt."
Aaah, Mothering. How I love your forum full of co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding moms who are totally sleep deprived yet will not let their kids cry it out. I found this thread in one of my many quests for answers, and the replies gave me hope many times over.
"I didn't push. I didn't train. I made it as easy on myself as possible. I didn't want to get out of bed in the night, so I didn't. I honestly figured we'd be doing this to at least 2 years old. I expected her to co-sleep until she was big enough to get excited about a big girl bed. Self-weaning at 17 months was not my plan at all...it was hers. Just like learning to sleep through the night, that was all her.- The Fussy Baby Book : Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five by the Sears.
It was often very hard. Torturous even at times to be so tired, to nurse so often through the night. I often felt very sad, sometimes angry, even worried that I was not meant to be a mother because I couldn't handle this. But it came to an end. And now on the other side of it, I can hardly believe what I went through and I only wish there had been a way for me to not be critical of myself or sad about things I couldn't control."
As I read this book, I would often read passages out loud to my husband (who read it too). It's amazing how a little validation can go a long way. When you're the mother of a high need baby, you need to hear from people who have been there.
One year later
Oh how things changed. I promise you, when you're too tired to open your eyes, and wonder what that smell is and realize it's you because you haven't bathed in days (not that it happened to me... riiiight), when you don't think you can make it through another day, let alone a week or even *gasp* a year, I promise you, it gets better. Franklin can now play by himself for a while, and I can sit by him and read. It feels so good to do something that has nothing to do with babies and diapers and spit up and sleep issues.
Latching on was no longer a problem, and the number of wet diapers and dirty diapers did not matter anymore. So many things which were a problem due to my inexperience were non issues after a while.
And, sweet things happen. Your baby will stand up and walk, which means he will walk towards you and give you a great big hug. He will sit on the toilet to poop, and suddenly notice the shower curtain -- and he will pull it in front of his face, and play peek-a-boo with you. Or, he will rub his forehead on your forehead and laugh. And, is your little newborn clawing you raw and punching your boobs while he breastfeeds? This will be replaced with a gentle, impossibly soft little hand petting your breasts and twirling your hair between adorable tiny fingers. Oooh... It does get better. So, so much better. I promise you! I'm loving having a toddler, and the amount of joy he has brought me cannot even be described. Stay strong, high need infants usually mean smart, passionate toddlers who laugh louder than others, and love harder too.
Great post, Joanna! My gosh, Frank looks just like your hubby!
ReplyDeleteAudriana wakes once or twice at night, usually eats for a minute and falls back asleep. But she doesn't fall asleep on the boob anymore. She started pulling off and falling asleep on her own. I'm glad she taught herself.
I am happy to hear Franklin is doing well. He is a doll. You are going to have it so easy when he is a teen, lol, or with the next one. You've earned it! Lol!!
What a great story of hope. I'm left a little cliff-hung, though, with your own health. What did you do/how did you manage to recover from that nadir time when your weight had plummeted and you were exhausted and depressed?
ReplyDeleteThat "two yr old in infant's body" tag makes so much sense.
Hope you're having some vacation time and sun over there!
love
Ela
Hey Ela! Well, I'm still underweight, but my mood is better. I made sure to get some alone time, I let go of a lot of my perfectionist side, and my husband stepped up to help. It really helped. We're having sunshine here, but my goodness is it polluted! I've been sick nearly every day since I first arrived!
ReplyDeleteHi Lauren! He sure does! It's great that Audriana is pulling off, it's a great sign. I bet she'll be STTN by the time she's 18 months! And yea, I hope he'll be an easy teen LOL :-) He's so easy going now, it's like night and day. I like to think my nurturing had something to do with it.
Love,
Joanna.